me atm

oh my life, im actually gona die form the quantity of work iv got. have to do a sketchbook for firday, have all the resorces just have to put it all together and do lots of drawings but cant do it in two days. its a really final deadline too. gona fail art.fun. also got my photography prep for tues, and my first writen exam on tues, which i havnet started revising for.

on top of this feel like a rubbish girlfriend.

but God is good. and it will all be ok. He's telling me to just give it all to him atm, cos i cant do it on my own. its too much. robin stuff aswell as work.

rah and did i say about my dad stuff? (yes i have alot of stuff) well id kinda been pretending that that had been healed since soulsurvivor cos i want it to be soo soo much. and well geus waht kids, it still hasnt, im still skrewed up. man iv been hurting about the same thing for so long. like iv been crying for two years or more, and i just dont see it stopping. and it hurts so much. rah.
and cos i hadnt dealt with it, its all surfacing by me over reacting to little things (like all emotional skrewed upness does) and so with me and robin no tbeing so close atm, i keep taking it as him proply rejecting me and we dont take rejection well. like all the minor irritations feed into a deep deep well or rejection and abandoning and pain, that id like to forget about.

so i keep getting realy hurt when he doesnt tb or whatever which in itself is that big a deal, but to me is really really hurting. and im not sure if robins gets that. well tired.

just want to run away so much.(not like from home but from all this trashiness)

so im a happy bunny.

but like i said God is good. it will all be ok. iv really just got to give robin into His hands. cos he is Gods first and me clinging on too tight wont mean hes anymore mine, or anymore likely to like me more (rah tbh it dont feel like rob does like me all htat much and that is probs not true, but how i feel and hes told me otherwise, bit only when iv asked him, which doesnt count. and i want him to soo much, and it hurts that i cant make him/that he doesnt, tho he does.. make anysense?)

also like God got me and robin together, well kicked me til i did something. its His in the first place. Hes still got to have the power, Hes got to come first. and like i think i made robin way too important, like getting all my love/afirmation/self worth form him, and thats got to come from God and robin jsut be a nice thing - not my all. so God bringing me back. robin not showing me/giving me that love etc i need means iv realised my dependancy on him.. GIOd got to come first. if God turned round and said uv cant be together anymore for some reason, then iv got to be able to tkae that and choose His will not mine, cos my relationship with God will last for eternity and He is my all.

whats nice about all this is getting closer to God again. its so the nicest place to be.
"Your [GOD] are breathing room for my soul,
solid rock beneath my feet,
my strong tower.
You give me everything i need so why not[wait on His timing/giving etc]?" - pslam 62
is lush am likwe being romanced by God which sounds silly, but is in the bible loads (poor Hosea)

right must sign off, bed an all that. long eh after so long. it never rains but it pours.