i like rain too

just wrote this a comment on robins blog and liked the list so much i thought id put it here, for prosperity.
rain is also good when ur outside and bein.. dramatic.arty.sad.wretched.sexy.childish.zaney.trudging.swimming.
singing. romantic.spontanious.i could go on. i like really stupidly heavy rain for all of these, big spoolishing type drops.

i do like rain like robin, thought id share my antipathy

??

hmm, im am undicided.. dunno whether puting images of my drawings or the like on her would be a. big headed/argogant/etc b. showing off/being proud etc c. an expression of my creative talent and glorifying God. who knos??

wont for the mo
will when im exctited and proud of something
well night for now, arent u glad im back on a several a day thing :) i knew u missed me

why is there grey? not blue, i like the conformity of the blue

anyone kno why the 'lets talk about sex kids' previous post is all grey not the traditional blue hue. am a bit embarraced (anyone kno how to spell that??) waht with the one being highlighted as it where being a bit u kno racey..

similarly why is robins blog link that again grey ish colour?? tho i obv do like that particular blog i dont want to be too 'out there'

help apriciated

my shooooooooes!!!!!!

my shoes my shoes my shoes my shoes!

hurah hurah

ok so i was rude, but now there mine hehehe

right best explain, have very recently discovered the joys of the most goodly 'ebay'. the possibilities are endless!! [to quote izzard and recycling] so as is the way with these things i found this beautiful pair of shoes. and not having buckets of money and def not any dollars on me (which they where asking for) i realised i could not buy these shoes myself. i didnt really get the process. so i thought, very rudely, that i might mail my father and ask that he might desire to, say, u kno, buy them for me - for christmas u understand.. and what with me being down on a bday present (31st jan, its not too late u kno) from my darling dadums it wasnt a terrible requset.

they being a. beautiful in every resect, better than all other doc martin mary janes online, ever. b. not shockingly expensive (tho it took me a while and a helpful website to work out how much $30s was [bout ?18]), it wasnt nessisarily [nessicarily?necissarily?nesissarily?nesicarily? my brain is melting] a very odd and rude request i made.

well it was a bit rude to text as well, pushing the point u might think. did apologise tho. so thats ok. this is where the real story starts tho. several emails passed between me and indeed my father, along the lines off, 'they say they wont ship outside of the USA!', 'aww no!', 'have mailed them, oo what du think of these? i like the blue ones', 'hmm, not the blue, the black are nice tho - not as good as a the brown tho u kno... they emailed back??', 'no,what about these camper shoes?', 'they are nice huh, mailed?','nope', 'they emailed yet?', 'no'

'any mail? only two hours to go'

'no'

'mailed??? 1hr 12 mins'

no, and we're going out now :(. tho there havnt been any bids either.'

'rah 18mins

12 mins

7mins

5 mins

3mins

the end, not bids yet, u got mail?'

a little while later.

'no, will mail the owner again tho'

then a few days letter, a text, saying they've mailed back (!) they want $50 to send here

'hurah!'

then a little while later..

'its gone through'!!!! hurray hurrah huray hip hip etc

so the shoes are on their way to england, and then from london, to bristol and mee! hurah

not that i am materalisticm, but woo! nice shoes

:)

all alone, no one here beside me...

rah am aware i havent blogged for a fair while.
not that my life hasnt been interesting, jus that its been busy, work filled indeed..
so have had little time..

am atm, abondoned in robins room, robin has gone to practice for the worship tonight, which is cool. but am a bit lonely now. he went bout an hour ago.. joey said he would hang out with me, but hes busy mit his new not quite gf on the phone..

again thats fair play.. but means im all aloney..

i seem to get rather grumpy atm, in a kind of maudlin, meloncholic kind of way.. the kind of mood where i wonder if robin likes me. which is silly, but..

oo parently theres a name for what iv got, 'mid relationship blues' ok so not catchy but..
feel very lonely, and not just cos iv been abandoned.. is a bit silly..

rah rah rah rah rah rah, am so frustrated atm,
pos cos im not doin that work thing..

should be.. gona get a toasty in a min.. in someone elses kitchen, on my own, im cool.
yes i am sad atm :D

the blueroom

http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/mainframe.shtml?http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio/aod/radio1_aod.shtml?radio1/r1blueroom_sat

ok so this is yet another link and a link alone, but was listening to this and thought to myslef 'hey, lets share the love'. so here i am, sharing it..

this is the really early mornign show on the weekend on radio 1, tis in its own words 'With the very best in chilled, leftfield club , indie and acoustic music with guest sessions and DJ mixes... and something for the Milkman too.' iv caught bits and bobs of this over the years but have never been awake longenough to enjoy it.. but have liked it from a distance. now with the marvy listen again thingie i can actually listen to it.. hurah

tis jsut very chilled and not all crowd pleasing like most of radio1s programing.. quite alot of the dj/club stuyff isnt what id usually listen too, but is fine to listen to.. hope u like

ps - remember theres good in everything, spesh dif music genres to those ur into, dont be prejudist [in can spell good] kids!..

skanky goo

theres something very sad about being so bored and hungery that one eats the left over the cadury's rose's from christmas (the skany fruit ones on and fudge. i really dont like fudge). whats worse is when u are even happy and enjoying eating these horrid left over evil chocolate things.. i say chocolate in the loosest sense. (well i dont dislike all roses, indeed i dont verily desire some of them)... rah my life i hate painting. so dull and im still a bit high, and have a deadache again from the fumes.. rubbish. i really really really dislike orange flavoured chocolate, and more so those chocolates with the googy orange stuff in them.. i also very dislike the pink goo ones too. i felt a bit dirty afterwards. mouth tasted so horrible..

rah

my head now hurts again now that i am sitting in a room with all the fumes again.. i really really dont want to a. be here in this room, b. be anywhere where there are big deadlines in a week c. in a world where skanky orange and pink goo chocolates exist near me.. i have a pitifully low self restaint level..

bleh

ok so im playing with b3ta atm, but 'LOL'

http://www.rahoi.com/2006/03/may-i-take-your-order.php - an apallingly badly translated menu..
ok this is very childish but so amusing, well at the beginning not so much, but as u get into it, tis actaully painfully funny.. dude those silly tranlator people

naughty [not rude, just bad] but very amusing

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8602483019158148765&q=muslim+rave
i kno this probably shouldnt amuse me so much, i really really dont dig the anti islamic cartoons etc, but i feel i would laugh at this if it was christians not muslims.. bare in mind im high on the fumes on turpintine and white spirit* actually am.. heyho what cna u do?




by the by do sign up to the b3ta newsletter, this is from that, its fabulously bad and rediculously





*from doing oil painting u kno, what do u think to me?

lets talk about sex kids

dont member if i mentioned this before.. but its really odd being a good christian and being in a realtionship.. cos theres the really pure, nto distracted, single person who are completely fufilled by God, and theres the commited, pure again, married, holy wife/husband person.. but how do u get from the one to the other??

obv i myslef an blessed with gorgeous boyfriend, so iv got a handle on some of it.. but like cos obv dont believe in sex before marraige, corse. and want to be really pure and holy u kno. and then u get to where do u draw the line? [dw am not gona be graphic, robin u can relax] had been an area of confusion for me, cos obv ent gona do anything actually sexual, nothing rude or racey here thankyou very much, but just holding hands could be.. odd thing no?

have had a bit of clarity on this issue, a very wise lady told me, that like ur lines is gona be dif for everyone, but the point is u want to be a blessing to the other person, you odnt want to do anything to harm them spiritually, and like later in life u dont want to be havign to explain to ur husband how u did kind of go a bit too far with someone so it isnt all new and special, even tho it wasnt actually 'rude'. there are loads of counter agruments saying this view is contaadicting, but hey. in essence, as i want to do good for robin and to bless him, i dont want to put him in a posision where he later regrets something or like for his future wife to be feeling worried/jealous/selfconsious/sad cos iv taken some of what is hers and is special.. that sounds really over dramatic but kinda true, like im way concious of robins only other and poorly fated realtionship even tho it really isnt a thing, and even tho it wasnt very deep, well nothing like ours..

hmm, i heard someone talking about sex in christian relationships, and generallly anything sexual or even relationships, is that waht u want to do is to leave a deposit of goodness and happiness with them, not something that has be ashamed of, or regreted, or not good. let anything like that be a blessing [in the long term aswell].. think that sums it up pretty well..

have had some waht of an epiphany on this subject, thought id share. sorry to nonechristian singletons, not v relevant huh :)

ok so i have a dream isnt a great song.. but i stand by previous comment

o am happier now for those that were concerned

abba rock, the kasbah

see above

rah, do u ever get it when u see that say 10 people have viewed ur blog since last night, but none have comented so u get to wondering.. was it jsut Robin? just bein u kno keen, or people that realise they ent inetersted.. actually u guys have served me well when iv complained before, am just being a bit, u kno, moany.. ben i take ur point about having nothing to add, lol, i am amazing u kno..

hmm this is a very personal blog really, not really writen for the sake of the audience but for me and u chaps get to read it u lucky blighters.. so figures wouldnt be commented on much

i want to be a blog of note *pouts* why ent i? what is it that they've got that i havent? [bar interseting stuff and intriuge and good grammar..]

i have worked out there is something wrong that means my net wont let me do anythign that envolves signing in, e.g. cant do messenger which seems particularly fegged.. all delayed and pretends it doesnt kno who i am.., cant sign into hotmail.com (tho can get mail, from 'outlook express' my fav), or buy anythign on amazon etc.. so rubbish - tho i am able to get on here.. so cant be everything u need to sign into.have tried everythign i kno, but think i must have a virus, or some such.. if anymore knows anything then please enlighten me, any suggestions really welcome or any sites to go for for help..ich hasse es. this is so rubbish, cant even use msn2go or web mesenger.. i am being thawed out of messenegermaybe a good thing, Gods intervention so i can do my work.. am still devastated u kno

my comments on that post thing below

rah, that was a bit convoluted and overly long

feel free to comment on etc.. geuss was just venting my spleen... dont feel u have to read.. is long iwth not much point

xx

crying lots and maybe why

i was very very sad today. not quite sure why. i do cry quite often late at night in privacy and safety of my own bed, just me and God.. letting stuff out .. left over from when God was faciliating me letting out all the pain about dad leaving, and that might be comming back now, getting more stuff out about that - deeper layers or sumat.. but what i dont do is cry in the day time, wel at church, but not just during the day.

but i did today, my heart was so heavy and i felt so wretched. id gone to take pictures at robins, after meeting up with my mentee [which i feel quite inadeqaute about - im not very good i dont think] was tired and initially worried cos rob was playing babminton with mates when i turned up to his house, and was worried his parents would think i was wierd for being there even tho rob wasnt, so was selfcouncious/insecure to start with..

then he was invited to a mates 18th bday dinner party which i wasnt [and thats totally fair play, i like the guy in question lots but we ent bessie mates u kno, twas an intimate gathering - thats all ok - but when i was little like year 4/5(?) all my close friends in my group had a sleep over and 'forgot' to invite me, very scaring, they talked abotu it for ages and i was totally out of the loop.. was very upset and still am a bit even (lol).. was bullied in year 5 i think it was, not for very long but enough to be very very lonely.. so people not inviting me to something as like a conspiriacy is very upsetting.. ] hm and that upset me a bit cos of all the issues i have with not being invited to stuff even tho it was totally fairplay..

also rach, who id probs say was closest to my best friend not inclusing robin who is a dif thing, had a party for her bday a few weeks ago and didnt invite me which was a thing even tho i wouldnt have gone cos i was snowed under with work and didnt fit in with the group of people she invited and wouldnt watch scary movie if u paid me.. it was something that got me tho u kno.. only heard about it when esther, robins sister asked me if i was going, had to make up excuses for rach not inviting me, was really rubbish, so i was a bit tender in that whole thing so rob bieng invited to this thing tonight got me mroe than was nec..

plus rob going out ment i couldnt spend all the time i wanted to with him so was a bit grumpy u kno..

then my photographs werent working, too dark, felt really trashy

had big stuff going on last night at devotion, well met with God which is pretty big.. had been feeling trashy all day and was lush cos God [sounds silly and argonant to say 'God said to me', but He did] told me about how it was ok, and how He loves me and how when im weak Hes strong. was so lush, made everyhting better, was humbled but not bad, quiet [v unusual]

so am i geuss in an emotional place..

morethan that i have faaarrrr faaaaaarrrrr too much work to do in the time, so am gernealyl very very stressed u kno..

but today was so sad, teary, ish.. felt like robin was putting me second.. even tho it was totally right for him to go and thats all good.. still kinda hurt and i didnt really get why.

iv realised theres a very big change at a certain point, when u turn way from someone and are no longer with them but walking on ur own.. not in a metaphorical way, jsut when u turn away from someone to walk the way ur going and there not, after uv said good bye. well when id been talking to rob id been 'ok' u kno, i had been upset but not letting myself go u kno, but when i left his room to leave - just when i turned around to go on my own, i properly had to fight, like hard not to burst into tears. was odd. and i could have been ok, made it to the door without people noticing i was about to cry loads, but robin then decided he would see me to the door..

cudnt not, cried loads, like proplerly, and i didnt really kno why. felt a bit foolish, but robin held me.. and said it was ok, ok just to be upest even tho i didnt kno why. calmed down a bit adn it was ok, made jokes and it was ok. but then actually left, adn turned away again and kept crying. like all the way to the bustop. looked an idiot.. was so unhappy, not i want to hurt myself unhappy, but i want to run away for a while unhappy.

hmm was teary all the way home. nad i wasnt sure why, i felt upset like if me and robin had split up even tho we hadnt. i so miss how we used used to be.. more tender, more close.. this seems just normal but i dont want it to be..

iv writen too much and not much of it made sense. dont kno where i was going with this. just sharing how i am atm i geuss

iv never really cried that much in teh middle of the day without a reason..its ok tho cos Gods looking after it all - tis in His hands and i trust Him, its ok even if i dont kno wahts goin on, cos Gods got bigger purposes and He loves me.

right i best get out of here... nunite all

RAH! net

why does my net only half work?! only like google and my blog parges will work, why? why?

got to be something with my rubbish net, ich hasse wireless! cant work it out. rah.

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 90% Stability 40% Orderliness 20% Accommodation 36% Interdependence 70% Intellectual 50% Mystical 56% Artistic 76% Religious 90% Hedonism 10% Materialism 23% Narcissism 70% Adventurousness 36% Work ethic 30% Self absorbed 70% Conflict seeking 56% Need to dominate 76% Romantic 63% Avoidant 30% Anti-authority 43% Wealth 70% Dependency 63% Change averse 83% Cautiousness 30% Individuality 56% Sexuality 43% Peter pan complex 76% Physical security 56% Physical Fitness 37% Histrionic 70% Paranoia 36% Vanity 56% Hypersensitivity 83% Female cliche 50% trait snapshot: craves attention, messy, open, rash, irritable, likes large parties, low self control, weird, fragile, does not like to be alone, emotionally sensitive, worrying, depressed, heart over mind, does not respect authority, dependent, not rule conscious, not good at saving money, more interested in relationships than intellectual pursuits, likes to fit in, very social, frequently second guesses self, phobic, suspicious, not careful, outgoing, vain, compassionate, aggressive, likes to make fun, hates to lose bold ones are the ones i agree with *yes i did copy rob..*

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